It's government elections today, in Holland. So exciting. We choose a government again for the next four years. Impressed by all that this meant, I hopefully bumbled to the elections office. With my crutches, boom boom boom, almost losing my balance a few times. The beautiful weather was enjoyable, I felt so. very. thankful that there's elections here, that they are trustworthy, that no one bribes me to choose for them, that there's no violence involved... I was full of these kinds of noble thoughts and made my way up the stairs with my crutches. When I suddenly realized that I'd forgotten my passport. My means of identification. Go back home and stay there, make a cup of coffee, sit in the sun and peacefully start the day? No way, I was going to vote. Even if my sole little voice made squat difference in the big picture. Home I hobbled, then back with my passport. Up the stairs again, and this time I got a few steps further before realizing... I'd forgotten my voting pass. I'm not kidding. There's TWO things you need when voting, and I had proceeded to forget them BOTH, one at a time. Definitely a good reason to stay home this time, right? Not right. That's not how Mattanja works. Down the stairs again, back home, to get the pass. Back I went for the third time, with all I needed plus a good dose of humor, back up the stairs to mark a little box red with my choice! The noble thoughts that I had started out with were less, I must admit, but I refused to let them go. Oh people, we take it for granted. The freedom we have to choose whoever we want. And if we're on this subject: the freedom to talk about faith matters wherever and to whoever. Confidence that the policemen we meet are reliable. Confidence that in a year from now, we probably won't be in a war. We have a lot to be thankful for, and we take a lot for granted.
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It's been a while. Yes, yes, yes, since I wrote, but what I mean is... a while since I've changed the address. Well don't worry, I'm about to yet again :) I'm using weebly, and I don't feel like paying big bucks this year for a blog which I use too little. So on the 6th of February, in TWO DAYS, the address is changing to: mattanjaoosterhuis.weebly.com So if your computer could save that or something... I'll try to find a way to advertise this somehow. Hm you know what, maybe I should have a blog somewhere that gives automatic notice when there's a new post. Any tips??
Yeah I know. Don't even go there. It's been ages. I was very busy treading water right... With the ridiculous heat in September I even went swimming in open water. But now that it's colder, the time has come for other matters :)
Ah I should not confuse you. Since my last writing I was indeed busy 'treading water' in the figurative sense. I ended up going to two different places in the hopes of finding a restful retreat. I did not exactly find this in the two places I went. I think both places did not really know how to cope with my (invisible) energy problems. Both were not so well-prepared to meet the expectations of someone who had come from so far and had been able to do so much, but now was so limited. At the second place I was at, I felt alone and discouraged. Nobody really took the time to listen to my struggles. Nobody saw how deeply my life had been affected. Instead, so much was expected of me. I was expected to keep my own room clean (in Amsterdam, someone helps in my household). I was expected to be dressed and at breakfast at 8 (in Amsterdam, I think it's usually about 9.30 before I have anything). My schedule was full with people from 8 in the morning to 9.30 in the evening (in Amsterdam, I have one or two 'people moments' in the day). I can go on... So many expectations. And because the place was Christian, I felt that God must be behind the expectations I couldn't meet. He was standing there with a whip to lash out as soon as I messed up. Which would rather be sooner than later. BUT. One of the very special things that happened while I was there - the king came by!! I kid you not. King Willem-Alexander and queen Maxima came to visit the region, to make Twente a little more well-known to vacationers. The king came to the tiny village of Beuningen, where I was staying! I didn't see the Dutch king W-A, but to me it felt like a huge encouragement: the heavenly King of kings saw me in my grief, in my treading water, and He came all the way to tiny Beuningen to comfort me. My response? "Oh come let us adore Him..." It's why I have been so dramatically bad in posting any updates as of late. I've been busy, busy, busy; busy treading water. Of which you see the proof in the above picture. It was taken on a warm, sunny day, when I jumped in the Amstel after I had gone rowing. My rowing skills, it might please you to know, have been improving greatly. I think I'll probably not participate in the paralympics in September, but I have now come so far that I can actually have a relatively normal conversation while rowing.. Apparently you have to row at least a year before you kind of get the hang of it. So yes, no paralympics for me. I'm not really into training 20 hours a week anyways.
But that was a side note with some rowing update for you, because I was talking about treading water!! I thought I'd give you a picture of some literal treading water, but I feel like I'm doing the figurative treading. Which is, I believe, a Dutch expression. When you tread water really hard to keep your head above the water, what it means is that everything you do costs SO much energy, that you feel like you're barely making it through the day. I hesitate to write this on my blog :) But it is how I feel as of late. You think to yourself - it's time to sit on my couch and allow some emotions! Oh no, shopping. Oh no, cooking. Oh no, washing the dishes. Oh no, watering the garden. Oh no, cleaning up some mess. Oh no.... pfew, time to sleep. It's tough. And I'll admit to you: sometimes I feel God very near, and an amazing song just happens to come my way at just the right moment. Sometimes I don't experience much at all. And I'm reminded of the words that have recently come my way twice in most surprising ways: we walk by faith, NOT by sight! 30, what a number! No, it's not the amount of watersnails I suppose I have in the little pond in my back yard. Nor is it the amount of kids I expect to have in 30 years' time. Or the amount of raisins left in my 'Mattanja's favorite cruesli (granola)' jar in the kitchen. Nope, I must disappoint you. It is only the age I'm expecting to turn on Sunday. I thought I'd flee town and all birthday obligations, and spend the weekend in a bed and breakfast with a friend. So if you're looking for a clear sign of a 30 over the next few days... hope again.
And by the way, I know I know it's been ages since I've written anything on the blog. It had to do with some major computer problems, and some major emotional problems (= feeling very sad) and some adventures I just didn't have the heart, to type up. As is the case now. Sadly you'll have to miss all the excitement of my visit to Luxembourg and all such matters. On to the next time... This last weekend I went to a party. Friends celebrated the arrival of spring and seeing as I'm also very enthusiastic about this spectacular fact, I went :) So you're at this party, trying to have conversations people have at parties, and it's difficult. Because, I realise, I'm not really normal. You can pretty much ask me any question and it is bound to lead to 'hemorrhage', a totally non-normal thing for a person my age to have had. Maybe you're thinking - "Ah Mattanja, who is normal?" or maybe you're thinking, if you knew me before, "You weren't exactly normal back in the days you know". Well, I guess I mean normal in the sense of having a normal level of energy (without always having to sleep during the day), or a normal balance (without constantly needing help), having just normally finished my studies (without this hassle of double vision), and now being in a (somewhat) normal job. But no. Again, you can ask me pretty much anything ("so what do you do?" "you've always lived in Amsterdam?" "what did you study?") and somewhere along the line, probably sooner than later, you're going to get this incredible fact thrown at you.
I survived the party :) despite my inability to be normal, haha. Tonight I was feeling sad about this while cooking dinner, and telling God I was down. When He said to me - "You know, I didn't call you to 'be normal'" And I thought of this verse in Philippians 2:15 - "Then you will shine among them (the warped and crooked generation it talks about before) like stars in the sky" Yeah, I suppose I want to be a shining beacon of hope in suffering, rather than be totally normal. One of the things this non-normal shining beacon did right, was write this book... A friend asked about this the other day, and I never did tell you that I heard from social welfare. And the financial amount is totally gone!! Due to the many mistakes social welfare has made. Reason enough for me to put on a party hat this time, instead of picturing it on those talking about 'my problem' :) Pfew. This morning I went to Visio. Not to be confused with the fysio (physiotherapist), with whom I would have had an appointment this afternoon if I hadn’t unfortunately lost my house keys (which, by the way, I still haven’t found… ) Nope, I went to Visio. I biked about half an hour there, had two appointments. First a nice lady tried to see if she could find something spectacular to make me see single with glasses on. And then another nice lady thought through some computer helps with me, and made me wonder whether I should go for a tablet instead of a laptop in my next purchase (tips welcome). About three hours after my arrival, I got onto my bike again to head back home. But by now, rain had started coming down. And as I biked, it just pelted down. And pelted, and pelted. Everything was soaked. I couldn’t look through my glasses coz they were so wet. I thought my hands were about to fall off from being so cold. And then I thought of a song by this band called Casting Crowns – I was sure by now God You would have reached down And wiped our tears away Stepped in and saved the day But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining! I biked on, and it was still raining. I was also still seeing double. I knew both were SO EASY to simply whisk better. And both weren’t being whisked. I thought of the chorus of the song: I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am And every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm Praising in the middle of storm. Despite tears, and despite not understanding. Thankfully, I don’t think all that many people heard me. Rainy weather is not people’s choice moment for heading outside. But for me it was clear: though my heart is torn, I will praise God in this storm. ((and ps. I know I've used this pic before... but I was going a leetle beet CRAZY from image uploading onto weebly. grr )) Or, as we say in Dutch, je moet roeien met de riemen die je hebt. This last week, my oars were quite nice. I went rowing for the first time! At the rowing organisation Willem 3, in a sub-group of people with, well, special abilities :) I was asked beforehand, "So, have you ever rowed before?!" which of course, normally is the case... Well unfortunately this was not the case for me. See the above picture from many years ago, when I enjoyed my father rowing. I myself was content smiling for the picture. So last Wednesday, I got to practice the right strokes on a rowboat-machine on dry land. Next came the 'boat box' which stayed in one place in the water, and then I proceeded to an actual rowboat for a little round. Believe me, you have to think of SO MUCH when you're learning something. Still, it was a lot of fun. The weather was beautiful, the freedom on the water just great. This is quite promising, I must say.
But of course, roeien met de riemen die je hebt is a saying. Which means so much as, you've got certain building blocks, and you have to deal with them. You're born with abilities and disabilities, and you just go with it! As for me, I've been faced these last few weeks with ceilings (? plafonds?). I hear from the eye department, that my vision hasn't improved over the last years. I hear from the physiotherapist, that I might as well stop physiotherapy - my balance isn't really getting any better anymore. I'm faced with the idea that my energy is just going to keep being a problem. My taste isn't going to return. 'Normal life' isn't really going to settle in somewhere. Or as the lead character said in the documentary My beautiful, broken brain, (which I watched the other day, very good, available if you take a free trial subscription of Netflix) "I am different than I was. Maybe I'm never ever going to be the same! That only recently occurred to me. But I'm still hoping it's not true." I'm also hoping. But at the same time, I know that there is beauty in this rowing. Rowing with the oars that I have... As of late I have been experiencing many little, yet wildly frustrating things. Like no internet. And when I tried to call the company, I waited for ten minutes and then the phone connection was simply cancelled. Just like that. Or like these calling advertisers. I had a box of groceries delivered to my house two weeks, decided this was a very bad idea, stopped the fun. But these box-of-groceries people have been calling-calling-calling me time and time again. At the most annoying moments. Maybe my nerves are just short-edged because I'm so stinkin' angry at social welfare, who is making everything so very difficult. Demanding outrageous amounts of money as a way of thanking me for working so hard. But maybe it goes deeper than that. For those priviledged ones who have read my book ;) the huge anger is probably a cover-up for huge grief. The feeling of being powerless, of having a life turned upside-down by something that I have no control over. The grief of going to the optician yesterday, and to hear that (in contrast to what I had thought) my eyes see as double as they did three years ago. And probably will continue until the end of my life. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil! For You (God) are with me"... (ps 23:4) I don't need to fear, I don't need to be so very angry or sad; God is with me. Well here is something that did go into the valley of death. It didn't experience death's shadow, but simply death. This poor little mouse I found this morning in my kitchen. I caught it with my live-mousetrap. Unfortunately I forgot all about it so I think the mouse died from starvation or thirst. I gave the poor dead mouse a worthy burial, and a clear marking for me to eternally remember it (well, at least today). See the above picture, and some more pictures I included underneath. It's a good reminder you know, that my time has not yet come. It definitely relativizes the things that I'm so angry about and reminds me that I'm walking through life and death with Someone trustworthy. And well, it was a great laugh this morning. I suppose I should put a small update here on the social welfare thing. Well the problem is... it was very scary, I did my best not to be too pooped about seven other people talking about me, I forgot about party hats altogether, BUT. There wasn't really a big solution. Yet. People were going to do research and stuff, and after a month we'd have YET ANOTHER meeting where I could think of party hats YET AGAIN and endure a sleepless night YET AGAIN. Other people were quite positive about the whole thing, saying that hey! social welfare admitted certain wrongs, were looking for better methods... but I just thought, man, there was no instant solution. Blah. This sure makes for a vague blog entry. (thankfully I didn't say this to the people there) So... the 3500 euro has not been poofed away yet, and this story is to be continued. That's all folks. At least for now.
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Mattanja OosterhuisHaving grown up in diverse places on earth, I suppose I've learned to make the best of what comes my way. Such as a hemorrhage. After this bleeding in my head occurred in dec. 2010, my life has come to look different. On my blog I write about some of this. Archives
March 2018
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