ENTRANCE PROHIBITED
ESPECIALLY YOU!!!!
That's what it felt like. The glass door that I had just crashed into put an unmistakable barrier between myself and the normal, working world. I could feel the bruise starting to swell on my knee.
Tonight was one of those - nobody does these things - evenings. I wanted to see the last rays of sun, before they would sink behind the horizon. I biked a bit, saw a tall building, thought I'd take the elevator to the top floor to see the sunset. So I walked over, approaching the entrance, when WHAM - I crashed right up against that which I had not seen. It wasn't an entrance. It was a glass door, and the glass door was closed. Working hours were over, the building was not open. Entrance was prohibited. I stood teetering for a moment, happy I hadn't fallen. And the whole experience became grief of so much more. I'm not part of the 'normal, working world'... and never will be. People do things like relationships and careers and houses and kids, and I can only watch as if through a glass door. As soon as I try to become part of it, as soon as I take a few steps forward, I crash into the glass. It's not for me. The feeling made me cry... Not for me, not for me.
But then! I was sitting there, feeling discouraged, when someone happened to come by all of a sudden and joined me! She lives nearby, but I have never-ever-ever seen her here. And Amsterdam is NOT a city where you ever 'happen to see someone you know'. This lady hugged me, listened to me, allowed me to weep; it was good. Back home I felt so much better. And decided to start my weekend as a friend suggested to me last week: take a cup and pour-pour-pour it full of wine, until it runs over. Just like Psalm 23:5 says: "my cup overflows with blessings!" I'm keeping track of my blessings at the moment, and in 4 weeks' time I've thought of over 200. So many blessings. Yes, I run into (figurative) glass doors all the time. I'm totally exhausted from Hersenz that I wrote about in the last blog. I'm thinking about quitting. But still, I have a cup running over with blessings!! Such as this friend who happened to come by, who joined me in this moment of feeling SO down.....
((ps. I have a nice picture of this cup, but I am NOT computer-savvy. so maybe we'll get this thing onto the computer within the next year? don't get your hopes up, though))